In an effort to determine just which religion is most correct, our pollsters went to Chicago and questioned a total of 12,380 dead people, asking about their experiences in the afterlife. Specifically, the intent was to determine which religious precepts most closely applied to their post-life experiences.
Unfortunately, results proved inconclusive, as none of those questioned answered any of the questions. This despite the efforts of more than 100 certified psychics with highly successful records of contacting the dead both in front of large audiences, and in private homes. But, we obtained no results, not even a single rap on a table. Being a neutral, public service organization, we will refrain from speculating on whether the lack of results was because the psychics were fakes, there is no afterlife, or a combination of both.
In a separate study, examination of Chicago voting records has determined that the deceased show an overwhelming tendency to register and vote Democrat.